06 Aug WORKING WITH IMPLICIT MEMORIES

Hello All!

Lately I’ve been sitting with some deeply challenging and activating experiences, one in particular that really hijacked my system. It began with multiple exchanges that occurred between me and other family members including my wife and mother.

This was the type of experience that feels like getting hit from behind by a giant wave and drug out to sea…immediate, total, and all-consuming. I’ve heard this described as an implicit memory-a memory that is more somatic and doesn’t really have a narrative attached to it but which leaves you with a feeling that is both familiar and overwhelming.

All-of-a-sudden I felt alone, a deep and abiding isolation. No safe harbor, nowhere to find comfort or connection. I felt all of the psychological and emotional parts of my-self begin to shut down, one at a time. And just like that, I felt numb and detached. I didn’t know how to reach out and connect. Family now seemed to resemble enemies that I had to protect myself from.

I was stuck in this place for hours and then my mom asked me a simple question, what is wrong? I had a choice, continue to stay in isolation or start to open up and create connection. I opted for the later. It all came spilling out, my feelings, my interpretations, my pain, and what’s more, I discovered a deeply hidden belief that I never knew was there. The belief formed as a string of thoughts, “You have to be perfect to be loved; if you are yourself, people will leave you; who you are is fundamentally wrong and bad.”

My mom just listened and as I had the space to speak, I began to come back into connection and contact with myself. The barrier began to dissolve and I felt alive again. What emerged was actually a deep gratitude at having put words to a feeling I’d had my whole life. Finally, I had a sense that I could work with this more directly. The experience wasn’t so overwhelming anymore, painful, but not overwhelming. Something un-manageable became manageable.

After speaking with my mom I had some momentum and I sat down with my wife. I shared the experience I’d had and everything I’d discovered about it. At this point I was craving re-connection and it felt good to be vulnerable and honest. It was like I’d integrated some aspect of my life experience that had been weighing me down since I was a little boy because it was always beyond my conscious awareness.

I went on to have a wonderful time with my family, although the newness of the discovery still feels tender and not fully explored. A new piece of my-self has been welcomed home and like meeting a family member that you never knew existed for the first time, I am learning about this part of me. His history, his fears, his needs and his wants.

We all have these parts. We all have these implicit memories-painful, overwhelming, and dis-connecting. And, we can all choose to welcome them home by turning towards connection, as simple as saying yes to someone’s invitation to share our troubles and in so doing, saying yes to ourselves.

Yours in Warmth,

Tony